Staff Statutes
by brains attack
Summary: Sometimes, things get crazy in the staffroom at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and, sometimes, these lead to new rules on the (in)famous list of Staff Statutes.
1. The List

STAFF RULES

Speeches are to be written, not improvised.

Speeches are to consist out of more than four words.

Tying a scarf around your head and screeching "USE YOUR INNER EYE" is a poor imitation of Sybil Trelawney and not in any way funny.

No alcohol is allowed during staff parties. You all know why.

Scatch that, staff parties aren't allowed.

Stop forcing Severus Snape to wear colours other than black.

When trying to convince him, stop using the following arguments: "But it's Christmas!" "But it's Valentines Day!" and "I'll fire you if you don't"

Albus Dumbledore is to stop hiring people who are not qualified to teach children (a death eater in disguise, a ghost, a guy with the darkest wizard of all time on the back of his head and Gilderoy Lockhart fall under this category).

DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TRUST A WEASLEY TWIN.

The following are not good reasons for rewarding 20 points to Gryffindor:

\- Harry Potter

\- Harry

\- Mr. Potter

The following are not good reasons for taking 20 points from Gryffindor:

\- Harry Potter

\- Harry

\- Mr. Potter

The following are not good reasons to organize a staff meeting:

\- a nice chat

\- THE HOLIDAY HARPIES WON

\- THE HOLIDAY HAPRIES LOST

Minerva McGonagall should stop cheating when playing Wizard Chess.

Albus Dumbledore should stop being such a sour loser.

Anyone who moves Minerva McGonagall's books out of alphabetical order will get what is coming to them.

When you see a cat with circles shaped like glasses around her eyes, _don't pet it._

We are not starting a bowling team called "The Hogwarts Homies". Stop asking. You know who you are.

It is our joined responsibility to make sure Minerva McGonagall doesn't down more than 4 cups of coffee before midday.

It is our joined responsibility to make sure that Albus Dumbledore doesn't consume sugar of any kind before 10 AM and after 7 PM.

It is our joined responsibility to make sure Horace Slughorn gets back to his quarters safely when he has a little too much fire whiskey in his system. (Emphasis added to "his quarters".)

If Dolores Umbridge ever finds out who enchanted her quill so that every time she wants to write "order", it says "butts", he or she will have to face the consequences.

Anyone who eats Albus Dumbledore's lemon drops is to replace them within 24 hours. They are obliged to replace three times the amount they took (at least).

Answering to the question "can I come in" with "yes, just slyther in" got old after the 174th time.

So did singing "Ding Dong the Witch is Mad" whenever Minerva McGonagall loses her temper.

The battle to decide who gets Filius Flitwick on their team on Quidditch night will take place the evening before.

Pomona Sprout does not get special treatment just because she's the one who found out about his exceptional talents.

Minerva McGonagall and Severus Snape are not allowed to be put in opposite teams, for the sake of their own, and the other players', safety.


	2. Rule no 1 (and no 2)

_Rule no. 1 (and no. 2)_

'She's going to slaughter Albus, isn't she?' Pomona Sprout asked Filius Flitwick as she heard Hogwarts' Deputy Headmistress storming down the hallway toward the near empty Staffroom. 'Maybe she'll go easy on him…' Flitwick opted, ever the optimist. Sprout raised an eyebrow. 'Oh, please, you know better than that.'

Sprout and Flitwick were the only ones left in the room, apart from a certain headmaster who had just managed to piss off Minerva McGonagall. A surprisingly unwise move for such a clever man.

How did he manage to do so? I hear you ask. Well, it was the first day of a new school year and Albus Dumbledore had just given his annual start of the year speech. Well, whether you can call four random words a speech depends on how high your expectations are. Apparently, Minerva McGonagall's expectations weren't quite lived up to seeing as she threw open the door to the Staffroom and yelled 'ALBUS PERCIVAL WULFRIC BRIAN DUMBLEDORE, HOW DARE YOU SPIT ON OUR REPUTATION LIKE THAT?'.

Sprout and Flitwick shared a look and tried to make their way out of the room but McGonagall stopped them. 'You two, stay.' The two heads of houses simply nodded and retreated to a far corner of the room, trying to avoid eye contact with the Transfiguration professor as much as possible.

Dumbledore, on the other hand, calmly put the cup of tea he had been sipping back on the table he sat at and asked 'Minerva, something you'd like to get of your chest?'

McGonagall's eyes went wide and her nostrils flared, which didn't predict any good.

The headmaster, who had known his colleague and friend long enough to be well aware of this, swallowed. He quickly pulled himself together, though, and waited for the lecture that was about to occur. And it occurred.

'The beginning of the year speech is a tradition that should not be messed with. It's purpose is to motivate the students and get them to look forward to their upcoming classes.' She started, but she was interrupted by the headmaster.

'I'm sorry, Minerva, but do you really expect me, the elderly headmaster, to get a couple of teenagers pumped to work their hats off for a year? I am a man of many talents, if I may say so, and I have no problem with a challenge, but that's just hopeless task to begin with.'

McGonagall nodded slightly before continuing. 'If you mind, Albus, I wasn't quite finished. You could have, at least, tried to say something inspirational, thought through or, for Merlin's sake, something sensible!'

Dumbledore took another sip of his tea before saying 'well, quite frankly, my words were very thought through, simply because you failed to see the meaning behind them doesn't mean there is none.'

Somewhere in the back of the room, two professors gasped at the courage the old headmaster was showing… or the stupidity. There's a thin line between those two.

McGonagall cleared her throat and crossed her arms 'what might this deep meaning be then? Do tell, Albus, do tell.'

Dumbledore opened his mouth a few times to reply something but eventually gave up.

The Gryffindor Head of House smirked victoriously for a second but then let out deep sigh.

'As I thought… This cannot happen again, though, we have got a reputation to live up to.'

Dumbledore simply nodded, staring down at his empty cup.

'If we keep going like this our behaviour will become just as bad, if not worse than the students.'

Dumbledore nodded again.

After a few seconds of silence McGonagall's eyes lit up the way one's do when they come up with a solution they consider brilliant.

She pulled out her wand, summoned a roll of parchment, a quill and some tape and wrote something down. When she was finished she stuck the piece of paper on the inside of the Staffroom's door and put a spell over it so that no one could detach it. She placed the tape and the quill back where they came from and walked out of the Staffroom without saying another word.

Once her footsteps had deafened Sprout and Flitwick came out of their hiding place and Dumbledore stood up from the table to read what their colleague had written on the parchment. They collectively sighed when they read what it said.

 _STAFF RULES_

 _Speeches are to be written, not improvised._

 _Speeches are to consist out of more than four words_

 **A/N: So I'm planning on writing little one shots like this one about the events in which the rules came to be. I hope you like the idea, I certainly do hehe. Also, I'm quite proud of myself for not having to look up Dumbledore's middle names… I'm not quite sure whether that is something to be proud of but, oh well.**


	3. Rule no 3

_Rule no. 3_

Minerva McGonagall was about to pay a visit to Hogwarts' kitchens to get herself a strong cup of coffee (she was to have the Weasley twins in her class the next hour) when the Divination professor blocked her way on the stairs.

'Minerva! I am receiving a sign, it tells me that you are off to the kitchens.' She said, her giant eyes gazing absently but still sparkling.

McGonagall sighed deeply and replied 'Sybill, hello, that is exactly where I am going, indeed. Did a little bird inform you? Or perhaps the fact that this stairs only leads to the kitchens helped you with that prediction?'

Trelawney simply shook her head and replied 'oh, Minerva, such a smart woman but so short sighted… a pity, really.'

McGonagall inhaled deeply and tried to keep her calm. She couldn't bare to be short tempered when having to deal with the Weasley twins. Her head was full of compromising comments and comebacks but she decided to stay civil.

She tried to sneak past Trelawney. 'Would you mind, Sybill?'

'Of course not, Minerva, go ahead. Remember not to use any milk, though!' The "seer" told her as she moved to the side so McGonagall could continue her way to the kitchens.

As soon as she entered the kitchens a house elf called Gibby ran up to her. 'Mistress McGonagall! What may Gibby do for you?' The elf asked.

McGonagall smiled, house elves and their immortal excitement to be of service always managed to cheer her up. 'A coffee will do, Gibby.' She replied.

Gibby nodded 'would Mistress care for something in it?'

McGonagall wanted to reply that it wasn't necessary but then made up her mind. For the sake of proving Sybill Trelawney wrong she answered 'a little milk in it would be nice'.

The next morning, the Deputy headmistress woke up to an unpleasant surprise. As she made her way to the bathroom in her quarters she had passed a mirror and almost drawn her wand.

What she saw in the mirror was not something she was used to seeing, it definitely looked like it but there was one difference: the skin of the being she usually saw in the mirror, her skin, had turned blue.

She had stood there, paralyzed, for a few minutes, staring at her horrifying reflection, when she decided it might be a good time to pay a visit to the Hospital Wing.

She took a glance at the old wooden clock to the right of the mirror and saw it was still early, if she went to visit Poppy right now she might be lucky enough to not walk into anyone.

She quickly changed into her every day robes and made her way down to the Hospital Wing. She was lucky enough to pass no one but two Slytherin fifth years, who were too busy with each others lips to pay any attention to the blue coloured Transfiguration teacher who hurried past them. Once she got to the Hospital Wing she as much as ran toward her colleague's desk.

Pomfrey had not noticed her entrance and so she scraped her throat. The nurse looked up and tried not to burst out into laughter at the sight in front of her.

McGonagall crossed her arms defensively 'Poppy, would you mind acting like a professional? Who knows, perhaps I got poisoned and I will crash dead on your floor in a matter of seconds. Imagine what that would do to your reputation.'

Pomfrey inhaled deeply and her professional attitude returned. 'I wouldn't worry too much about that, dear. The colour of your skin is not going to get you killed. _[***]_ I'll give you something that will make your skin go back to normal within an hour or two.' McGonagall sighed in relief.

'Let me guess, though, you had milk in you coffee yesterday?'

McGonagall nodded.

Pomfrey let out an exasperated sigh. 'I asked Sybill to warn you! Did she forget to do so? That woman…'

McGonagall stared at her shoes in embarrassment, and this time not because her skin was as blue as a cloudless summer sky.

'She might have warned me…' McGonagall said quietly.

Pomfrey looked even more annoyed than she did before. 'Then why, in Merlin's name, didn't you listen to her, Minerva.'

McGonagall felt herself go into defence mode.

'Excuse me? How am I supposed to trust anything that fraud of a woman says? She's insane and I can't believe Dumbledore hasn't fired her already! Nothing that ridiculous woman says makes sense!'

Pomfrey opened her mouth to calm her friend down and to warn her that someone was standing in the doorway, but she was interrupted.

The usually so very neat and strict Head of House had picked up a bright pink scarf that had been laying on the nurse's desk and tied it around her head. She spread her arms and exclaimed 'USE YOUR INNER EYE TO SEE THE FUTURE. WE ARE ALL DOOMED!' as an impression of the Divination teacher.

…

The Divination teacher who was the person standing in the doorway at the very moment.

When McGonagall walked into the Staffroom an couple of hours later, a new rule had been added to her list:

 _Tying a scarf around your head and screeching "USE YOUR INNER EYE" is a poor imitation of Sybill Trelawney and not in any way funny._

 **A/N: I think it's fair to say that I went a little out of character at the end of this one. Just a little… also, please take liberty in correcting me if I make any recurring grammar mistakes. I don't have a beta and English is (surprise surprise) not my native language.**

 ******* Unless you are an innocent middle aged African American male wearing a hoodie while walking down the street late at night.


	4. Rule no 4 (and no 5)

_Rule no 4 (and no 5)_

'Good morning, staff!' Albus Dumbledore greeted his colleagues on a cloudy Monday morning 'beautiful day, is it not?'

All he got in response was a few "sure"-s and "whatever you say"-s.

As he seated himself and filled his cup with orange juice he attempted to start a conversation with the people around him (people who, clearly, had no intention of doing the same).

'So, Christmas is coming up! Exciting, isn't it?'

Again, all he got in response was a few "sure"-s and "whatever you say"-s.

Dumbledore got the (accurate) idea that his colleagues weren't listening to him and, as he was a man of extraordinary cleverness, he decided to take advantage of that.

'I was thinking about organizing a Christmas party for the Hogwarts staff.' He said.

All he got in response was a few "sure"-s and "whatever you say"-s, which proved that no one had been listening to them as they would never have even considered agreeing if they knew what he had just asked them.

Staff parties weren't exactly the favorite activity of Hogwarts' employees.

For a damn good reason.

The last time Dumbledore had organized one (and people had actually _attended)_ was two years ago with Halloween. It was a disaster. After two hours of small talk everyone mutually decided to go back to their quarters and spend the rest of the evening on their own.

The thing with teachers is that there's not much for them to talk to one another about when they can't complain about students.

All teachers talk about is teaching.

You can say I'm prejudging but the 1987 Halloween Hogwarts staff party confirms my statement.

… And Albus Dumbledore wanted to organize another party.

...

The staff of Hogwarts tried to change Dumbledore's mind during the days leading to Christmas but the Headmaster was determined. So, two days before the Christmas break started, the staff of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry gathered in the staff room for what they expected to be two hours of boredom and listening to discussions about the latest developments on the War between Ukrainian and Russian wizards over which one of them should get the so called "Krym" (a powerful wand created in Ukraine but by a Russian magician).

They couldn't have been more wrong.

Whether what _did_ happen is any better, is the question.

The first hour passed the way everyone thought the whole evening would, McGonagall and Sprout discussed the latest issue of Transfiguration Today and Dumbledore offered every single person in the room Muggle sweets (multiple times)… until Auriga Sinistra came with the, at the time good, idea to start a drinking game.

Now, at first nobody planned on participating but then McGonagall decided to face the challenge. Which lead to the majority of the teachers joining in too. Why? I hear you ask. Well:

When Minerva McGonagall is to face a challenge, Severus Snape makes sure he faces it too. (He can't let a bloody Gryffindor win, now, can he?).

When Minerva McGonagall and Severus Snape participate in a game together, Albus Dumbledore participates too (to keep peace and ensure the safety of everyone in the room).

Wherever Dumbledore goes, Hagrid goes, so he joined in too.

And so it went on until almost everyone was participating in Sinistra's drinking game.

Now, the game isn't too complicated and it doesn't matter much either, what matters is it's results: a drunk Hogwarts staff.

To give you an idea of the situation after a few bottles of firewhiskey: Sybill Trelawney was the sanest person in the room (she was the best at handling alcohol).

For your own mental health the details won't be told, but I'll just mention some of the events the firewhiskey had lead to:

\- A tango between Sprout and Flitwick (they even had transformed their robes into a dress and a suit, you probably expect Sprout was the one wearing the dress and Flitwick the suit… you are wrong)

\- A Les Miserables sing along (´I dreamed a dream but then a Legilimens invaded my mind´ ´master of the house, keeper of keys and grounds´ and ´on my own, pretending Lily Evans is besides me´)

\- A game of Twister between Hagrid and Dumbledore (and a lot of broken bones)

\- Severus Snape telling his tragic life story to a pot of flowers (flowers that turned out to be lilies)

\- A fierce discussion about which Very Fairy Princess book was the best one (which, obviously, is The Very Fairy Princess Follows Her Heart)

\- Two new rules on the list the next morning:

 _No alcohol is allowed during staff parties. You all know why._

 _Scatch that, staff parties aren't allowed._

 **A/N: Remember when I said the last one was OOC… ha…haha…hahaha. I think these are going to keep getting crazier (and I like it).**


End file.
